Once Upon a Time
by Luna Darkside
Summary: #2: In which Kaito is having problems controlling his brain and Shinichi is too busy whimpering to notice. /ShinKai, satire oneshot series/
1. Gray and Gray Sexuality

**Title: Gray and Gray Sexuality **(random title, I know)

**Cast: Kudou Shinichi, Hattori Heiji**

**Pairings: Shinichi x Kaito**

**Cliché taken from: General slash fan fiction**

**Notes: **_Because this idea has been floating around in my head for God knows how long. _

_Basically, this is a series of satire oneshots based off of general fan fiction/writing/romance clichés that I've noticed throughout my time here on FF/reading/books._

**Gray and Gray Sexuality**

Kudou Shinichi was sitting at his kitchen table, eating a bagel and drinking a cup of black coffee as he skimmed over his copy of _A Study in Scarlet. _It was a calm, peaceful Saturday morning, and Shinichi was enjoying himself for the first time in a long time –

A loud bang echoed from the room above his head, followed by a string of colorfully accented swearwords, and Shinichi glanced up, mildly irritated. Seconds later, heavy footsteps like gunshots came thundering down the stairs, and Shinichi sighed, setting down his bagel.

The kitchen door slammed open, and in stomped the pajama-clad, tanned Great Detective of the West, who had invited himself over to Shinichi's house for a visit the previous evening. Shinichi looked at him resignedly, waiting for the long-winded explanation he was sure to receive.

"Kudou, your guestroom bed is the size of, like, nothing," Hattori Heiji grumbled, plopped down across from Shinichi. "What the hell is with that? I turned over and I fell off –"

"Okay, Hattori," Shinichi muttered, draining his coffee mug. "I don't need to hear about what's wrong with my guest room bed. I still don't even know why you came to Tokyo, anyway."

"What's wrong with wanting to visit my best friend?" asked Hattori indignantly, glaring across the table at the Great Detective of the East. "And anyway, when I heard about your new…" He hesitated, clearly uncomfortable.

"My new what?" Shinichi smirked into the mouth of his coffee mug.

"Your new…" Hattori rolled his eyes. "Dammit, Kudou, you _know _what I'm talking about."

"No, I really don't," Shinichi insisted innocently.

Hattori stared at him. "Damn you." He leaned across the kitchen table conspiratorially. "Your new… lover."

"Ah, you mean Kaito?" Shinichi beamed at the reddening Osakan. "Yes? What about him?"

"That's it exactly it! He's a guy!" declared Hattori, looking ruffled. "You're dating a _man_, Kudou!"

"I am aware," replied Shinichi serenely, flipping a page of his book.

"You do know what that makes you, right?"

"Other than attracted to a man?" answered Shinichi, quirking an eyebrow. "What exactly are you getting at?"

Lowering his voice to a stage whisper, Hattori announced, "Doesn't that make you… gay?"

For a minute Shinichi wondered what exactly was inside Hattori's head.

"Perhaps," he finally replied, returning to his book and by no means satisfying the tan detective's curiosity.

Hattori rose to his feet and slammed his hands down on the table, demanding Shinichi's attention rather loudly and violently. "This is a serious conversation, Kudou!" he whined.

"…That happens to be about my sexuality. Which, by the way, is none of your business."

"Of course it is! I'm your best friend!"

"Which has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality."

"…"

"Okay." Giving in to Hattori's pitiful expression, Shinichi shut his book, heaved a sigh, and lifted his gaze to make eye contact. "So? What do you want?"

"I would've _expected _you to deny that you're gay, for one," Hattori explained, rubbing his forehead wearily. "I mean, you showed no signs of liking men until now."

"By definition, I _am _gay. I'm dating a man."

"But…" At Shinichi's questioning look, Hattori rubbed his eyes. "Okay. Do you like only men?"

"What?"

"Do you like girls too, I mean."

"By which you mean…?"

"You _know _what I mean," complained Hattori. At Shinichi's saccharine batting of his eyelashes, Hattori rolled his eyes before elaborating. "Do you find them attractive? Like… do you think Ran is pretty?"

"…Sure?"

"…"

"…?"

"Why do you sound like you don't know?"

"Because I honestly have no idea what you're trying to do, and I'm also becoming concerned about your health. Tell me, have you been seeing things lately? Do you have a fever?"

"I'm trying to determine your damn sexuality, Kudou!" shouted the red-faced Osakan.

Shinichi blinked at him. "Isn't this something I should do on my own?"

"Okay." Hattori exhaled. "Do you think Ran is attractive?"

Considering, Shinichi leaned back in his chair. "As a person, yes. As a love interest, no."

Hattori scratched his head, thinking. "Kazuha?"

"…No. Hattori, why are you asking me if I find _your _girlfriend attractive?"

"That British bastard?"

"What? Hakuba?"

"D'you find him attractive?"

"Not really, no."

"Uh… that rich girl. Sono-something."

"Sonoko? No way."

"Who else is there… that girl detective. Sera."

"Nope."

"Uh… m-me…?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Forget I said anything."

"I will."

Hattori rested his chin on his hand, observing Shinichi concernedly. Shinichi met his gaze nonchalantly, blinking.

"What are you trying to get at?"

"I'm finding it difficult to figure out your sexuality."

"Uh huh. I'm sure you are."

"Seriously, Kudou, is there anyone you find attractive?"

"Kaito," Shinichi told him as he reopened his novel. He was four lines down the page before he looked back up, sensing Hattori's eyes on him.

"Kudou… are you… Kaito-sexual?" Hattori wondered right as Shinichi added, "Oh, but I think that I would probably go out with Sherlock Holmes if he was real."

An awkward silence ensued.

"So what does that make you?" Hattori finally asked. "Kaito-and-Sherlock-Holmes-sexual?"

"…Probably."

* * *

**This one parodies the ever-popular "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm not bi, I'm [insertnamehere]-sexual!" cliché I seem to keep seeing everywhere. Although I'm sure Shinichi is, in fact, Kaito-sexual.**

**But anyway, yeah. These are far more fun to write than they should be, which means this random series will probably get a lot of updates. I've only got a few more clichés planned out, so if you've got any ideas, please tell me in a review, k?**

**Also, I'm having issues (like always) deciding what to write next. I would like to pick up _Semantics _again, since I haven't been writing it for a while but I now have time to, but I'm still struggling with the plot of that. _A Sonata and a Smile _seems to have gotten a good number of reviews, so I might consider adding to that. _A Gem of a Person _has been on hold for like, what, over half a year? But I still remember the plot for it. And _Shuffle Romance _has also been on hold, since I was focusing on finishing off _Club Aphrodite _(which I did – rather terribly though).**

**So if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what you'd like me (_Semantics, A Sonata and a Smile, A Gem of a Person, Shuffle Romance, _or _Once Upon a Time_) to continue? I write for my readers more than I do for myself, so whatever you guys want, I'll try to write it.**

**Wow, ridiculously long author's notes in comparison to the fic. Sorry. Hope you enjoyed this & see you around, my darlings! – Luna**


	2. A Dark and Stormy Night

**Cliche title: **_A Dark and Stormy Night _(okay, seriously, I fail at coming up with these titles)  
**Cast: **_Kudou Shinichi, Kuroba Kaito_  
**Couple: **_Shinichi x Kaito_  
**Rating: **_mild T _(for implied, uh, thoughts & slashi-ness)  
**Cliche taken from: **_General fan fiction_  
_Because I've been seeing this one in both het and slash fics and it's driving me insane_. _Oh, and I apologize for the slightly un-Luna-ish writing style. It's un-Luna-ish in the sense that's it's a little strange, more informal than usual, and probably contains a lot of rambling, typos, and grammar errors. But I'll have you know that it is currently one thirty in the morning and I'm kind of dying right now so please excuse me while I pass out from exhaustion. Well, after I finish writing the ending notes, that is. Enjoy the fic. - Luna_

**A Dark and Stormy Night**

It was a dark and stormy night.

(No, really, it was.)

To be more precise, though, it was a pitch-black, freezing, weather-gods-going-batshit sort of January night. The wind was apparently auditioning for entry into a heavy metal band, if its incessant howling and battering of everything on earth were any indication, and someone high up was having a mental breakdown that involved crying enough to drown several innocent trees.

Kuroba Kaito was deciding this as he sat in his best friend's house (technically mansion), crunched up into a ball in one of the library armchairs. Through the bay window to his left - which was three-fourths covered by a bookcase because who needs windows - he could see rain plummeting down towards the front lawn, twirling through the air and splattering against the mansion's exterior audibly. He sighed. He was _not _looking forward to going home tonight.

The magician glanced away from the window, scanning the rows and rows of books and smirking when he noticed that nearly eighty percent of them were mystery-related. _Typical. I bet he's read of all them._

With that thought still fresh in his mind, he looked across the room at his best friend and the man of the house, Kudou Shinichi, and heaved yet another sigh. The detective was staring into his lap, engrossed in the copy of _The Hound of the Baskervilles_that lay there. When Kaito had invited himself over earlier that evening, he had hoped to spend a bit more time actually _talking _to Shinichi rather than sitting in silence together.

_Well, I guess it's okay to just enjoy his company_, Kaito thought consolingly to himself. While he didn't quite like the way Shinichi had abandoned him for a fictional character, Kaito had to admit that being able to observe an inattentive Shinichi had its perks. After all, if Shinichi was paying attention to him, Kaito couldn't simply sit and admire the sleepy half-lidded quality of the detective's tanzanite eyes as he read, trace the curve of his jaw flowing smoothly into his long, pale neck with his eyes, watch his satin lips part slightly and see his tongue dart out to absently wet them...

_Think pure thoughts, Kaito, think pure thoughts. _Kaito coughed into his hand, garnering Shinichi's attention for all of half a second, and resisted the urge to sigh yet again. How long had he been stuck with these strange thoughts regarding his best friend? He unconsciously smirked as he remembered the time he'd first brought it up with Aoko, his go-to for things like this - she had nearly swallowed her tongue before wishing him luck rather unhelpfully. Why, pray tell, did he need _luck _when he was thinking somewhat impure thoughts about his best friend?

Okay, fine, Kaito had to admit he could understand Aoko's reaction (she'd probably had mo idea what to tell him). He also had to admit that one, he definitely wasn't as straight as he'd thought he was, and two, he liked Shinichi a little _too _much. As in...

"Oh God, I don't even want to think about it," groaned Kaito aloud, sinking down in his armchair while clawing at his face rather unattractively.

Across the room, Shinichi spared two seconds to give Kaito an eyebrow-lifted _you okay _sort of look (one that Kaito ignored) before returning to his book. Kaito pulled himself back into a sitting position, wearing a sour expression.

His... er... _fondness _for Shinichi was the root of all sorts of problems - Kaito knew, was positive, that the detective didn't return his feelings at all, seeing him as some sort of mild nuisance, and he didn't want to make him hate him by hanging around too much, but at the same time, Kaito couldn't suppress the urge to be around him. He wanted to see Shinichi, he wanted to hear Shinichi, he wanted to...

_Ooookay, let's try to head back into safe territory, _Kaito demanded, mashing a hand over his eyes in a futile attempt to block out all the images his brain was happily conjuring up.

Suddenly, a bright flash of white clawed at his periphery, and by reflex, Kaito's gaze snapped to the window just in time to hear a clap of thunder roll through the air just as the jagged line of lightning faded. There was a distant rumble, and the rain began pelting the earth even more mercilessly.

"...Just perfect." Kaito cradled his head in his hands, bemoaning his plight. Going home tonight was going to really be a pain.

He resumed his subtle observance of the detective still sitting across from him. The man was wearing a strange face, mouth pressed into a line and eyebrows dramatically pulled together. Kaito blinked, eyes trailing down to see Shinichi's fingertips tightening on the edges of his book.

"Hm?" Right as Kaito began to puzzle over the strange occurrence, there was another burst of lightning and shout of thunder, and Shinichi visibly _jumped, _face going even paler than usual. Even from across the room, Kaito could see the glassiness of his eyes, could see him swallow and force his attention back onto the print of the page.

...Okay.

Shinichi gave a small shiver, looking for all the world like a vulnerable kitten. Which was insane, because in no way was Shinichi like a _kitten_.

Kaito scrubbed at his eyes and shifted around uncomfortably, casting a glance over at Shinichi, whose eyes kept skittering off the book on his lap.

Was it even _possible_ that Shinichi could be scared of lightning and thunder?

Another streak of lightning and roll of thunder, and Shinichi actually _yelped. _The great detective, the modern Holmes, the great protector of justice... yelped.

Okay, that was unexpected.

Well, it wasn't too strange for someone to have a ridiculous fear, Kaito reflected as he watched Shinichi shudder silently. He, after all, couldn't stand f-finny... uh, aquatic creatures. But still, it was so uncharacteristic for Shinichi to be scared of thunderstorms...

Another bolt of lightning with an accompanying call of thunder, and Shinichi _whimpered_, drawing Kaito's attention back to the situation at hand.

Watching his best friend clamp his head between his forearms and grit his teeth, he hesitantly asked, "Uh... Shinichi, are you okay...?" unsure of whether or not he should try to comfort him or not.

Shinichi lifted his tense face to glare at Kaito and bite out, "Like _hell _I'm okay," before ducking his head in fear of the next, uh... bout.

Torn between staying put and leaving Shinichi with his pride intact or attempting to calm him down, Kaito gave up on the former as the detective actually _squeaked_, mashing his eyes shut.

Swallowing hard and praying to God that Shinichi wouldn't hate him when this was all over, Kaito stood up and resolutely strode. With a smooth motion, he leaned over and gathered Shinichi up against his chest, gently moving the man's arms off his ears and replacing them with his own.

The detective flinched. "What are you..." he started but cut himself off at the next strike of lightning and thunder, electing instead to bury himself in Kaito's chest and hold him tightly in place. Kaito nearly gasped, reflexively tightening his grasp on the detective.

Crouching painfully, Kaito awkwardly maneuvered a hand up to lace his fingers through Shinichi's hair, pressing him into his shirt. "Shinichi, it's okay. You're okay. I'm here," he assured, brushing his lips against Shinichi's ear by accident as he did so. The single touch sent a shudder racing through Kaito, and he winced inwardly. _This is a pretty bad situation..._

Still shaking, Shinichi lifted his face, staring up into Kaito's with those electrifyingly blue eyes. They hit Kaito like lightning (oh the irony), and before he could control himself, he swooped down and pressed his lips against Shinichi's.

It took him less than a second to realize what the hell he was doing, and Kaito jerked back, intent on apologizing and trying to forget it (because _that _would really work), but somehow, Shinichi anticipated him - and there was a hand against the back of his head pushing him into the kiss and all Kaito could see was azure and he could feel his heartbeat hammering and taste the mint and dark chocolate that was wholely Kudou Shinichi and _it was too perfect _-

The hand gave a little, allowing Kaito to pull back and actually breathe, and Kaito panted hard, staring at Shinichi owlishly. Somehow, throughout the course of that kiss, Shinichi had stood and hooked an arm around Kaito's waist, reeling him in, and Kaito's hands had somehow worked their way up Shinichi's back, one hand locked in his hair and the other at his nape, tracing invisible patterns. _The Hound of the Baskervilles _lay on the ground, long forgotten.

Lightning and thunder rocked the world outside. Kaito barely heard it. He was far too focused on the man standing in front of him. He could feel Shinichi's arm still around his waist, see the smirk growing on Shinichi's face, see his own reflection in the tanzanite eyes...

A moment later:

"You weren't actually scared of thunderstorms, were you?" asked Kaito, frowning.

"Of course not. That's stupid." Shinichi rolled his eyes.

"...Then why did you pretend?" Kaito cried, glaring at the - his - detective.

Shinichi smirked and yanked Kaito in. "Would _this _have happened if I hadn't?" he whispered against Kaito's lips, and Kaito had to admit, no, it probably wouldn't have.

That night, Kaito didn't end up having to worry about going home after all.

* * *

**Did you catch my reference to ****_Mint and Dark Chocolate_****? :D :D :D**

**But, uh, anyway. This fic was based off of the "Character A is afraid of thunderstorms so Character B comforts them and then confessions happen yay" cliche. Because seriously, not everyone is scared of thunderstorms, dammit, and not everyone confesses just because they're being comforted by someone.**

**The Detective Conan archive seems fairly innocent of this one, although I've seen it quite a bit in the Fairy Tail and Fullmetal Alchemist fandoms. Not that it's a bad thing, per se, but it's a cliche and I thought of this idea, because in my OOC-adoring brain, Shinichi is a conniving bastard and Kaito is a gullible angel in comparison.**

**Yeah.**

**OKAY I KNOW IT MAKES NO SENSE IT'S STILL ONE THIRTY DAMMIT.**

***sigh* Drop this idiotic authoress a review?**

**Till we meet again, my darlings. - Luna**


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